The Courage to Not Speak

Domain: Building Trust - Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

As leaders, we're often tempted to give our opinion or weigh-in on a discussion…even when it is not solicited. While our intentions may be good, our desire to fix things and solve problems for our team can be counterproductive.

Speaking less isn’t about withdrawing—it’s about creating space. Sometimes, simply listening and observing is the wiser action. Today, we'll cover both some benefits and strategies for speaking less and listening more.

Better discussion, more trust

Leaders can be conversation killers. This is based on the authority our role affords us. When we give an opinion or suggest a preference, many on our team will stop discussing the topic and follow our cue.

We don't want that to happen. Innovation and transparency really occur when we take these conversations deeper.

Over time, creating the space for these more meaningful and productive conversations is going to help your team feel heard. Limiting the manner in which you assert your authority becomes normalized and the team begins to understand that they are trusted to solve problems and make decisions.

The power of silence

Strategic silence often encourages people to say more. You just need to learn to start getting comfortable with moments of silence.

I find this most helpful in team settings. Too often, meeting facilitators don't pause long enough after posing a question. Like the rest of us, they feel the need to end the discomfort of silence so they jump in with a recommendation or move forward with a phrase like "I'll take silence as golden".

Don't trade effectiveness for comfort. When you pose a question in a meeting, pause long enough for it to be a little uncomfortable, then pause some more. If you get absolutely nothing from the team, you can break the silence by saying something like "your input here is really valuable to me, so I don't want to move on until I've heard from some of you".

Someone will inevitably, speak-up and that usually gets the conversation going. In the hundreds of times I've done this, I've never had to sit through more than a minute of silence.

Using silence in one-on-one conversations can be really tricky, so we'll save that for a deeper dive on this topic.

Reminders

This is all fine in theory but how do we prepare ourselves to put it into practice? I have two phrases to help remind you. For both of these, I recommend putting them near your screen for virtual meetings and writing it on your notepad or printed agenda for in-person meetings.

"WAIT" stands for "Why Am I Talking?". This can be an amusing way to remind yourself to only contribute to the conversation when absolutely necessary.

"Speak Less. Speak Last.". I personally find this one more helpful for catching myself before I speak and to try reserve my comments to the end of the meeting if possible and only if those comments are necessary. Usually, someone on my team will contribute something similar to what I wanted to add and it's much more powerful for engagement that it came from them.

Observe

This is my favorite part. By speaking less, you get to listen and observe. Now you have a front-row seat to watch how your team communicates and solves problems with one another. This is invaluable information for a leader as it allows you to become more familiar with the inner-workings of your team's dynamic.

Thank you for reading. My hope is always that you've found something helpful and easy to implement. If you have feedback, suggestions or questions, please email them to [email protected] 

This week’s action items:

1. Begin using long pauses after you pose questions in team meetings. Let others fill the silence.

2. Use the "WAIT" or "Speak Less. Speak Last." visual reminders to promote more conversation from and among the team.

3. As you get better at doing this, begin observing the ways in which you team communicates and collaborates.