Joining Group Conversations

Domain: Personal Growth - Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

For some people, strangers are just friends that they haven't met. These people tend to be labeled as strong extroverts or super-connectors. For the rest of us, mingling at a networking event full of strangers can feel at least a little awkward.

For the latter group, the worst case scenario is realizing that you are a solitary individual in a sea of group conversations. Thankfully, this impenetrable obstacle is mostly in the outsider's head.

Here are just a few steps for joining a group conversation from the outside and feeling a little more comfortable…

Observe

The first step is to observe the room. If you see another lonely soul, it may feel safer just to approach them and start a conversation.

If there are only groups, look at their body language. If they are close together and making strong eye contact with one another, it's a sign that they are very familiar with one another and this could be a "closed" conversation. Look for group where people are comfortably spaced and holding relaxed postures.

Even if it's just two people, you can tell from body language if it's casual or serious. If they are closer and almost leaned-in…that's not a conversation to join. It's also worth noting that one-on-one conversations are the hardest to join and best to be avoided in a party/networking setting.

Large groups are ideal. The larger the group, the less impact your addition has. It's also less likely that a large group is discussing something exclusive.

Approach

Once you spot your circle approach it. If you know someone in the circle, pull-up next to them and give them a pat or hand on the shoulder to let them know you're there.

If you don't know anyone, see if there is someone who is part of the circle but is not directly engaged (wandering eyes, easily distracted, not participating in discussion). You might pull-up next to them.

As you join the circle, give a nod or quick "hi" wave to anyone who makes eye contact as to not interrupt the conversation. A light energy that acknowledges the awkwardness can help here, like a shoulder shrug.

Once you've joined, read their faces. In most cases, nobody will mind. There are few exceptions where your presence will be clearly not wanted. No big deal, you just misread the situation. Gracefully back out and head to the parking lot to cry.

Engage

If they have accepted you, or at least not rejected you, the hard part is over. Now you just focus on the conversation and pick your moment to contribute. You should only contribute when it makes sense; when you have something of value to add. Don't speak just to tick the box. That will be noticed.

The best way to contribute to conversations is not by flexing your expertise. It's by asking questions. Regardless of the subject, questions are a way for you to include yourself in the conversation.

After you've contributed, and preferably during a lull, you can introduce yourself. "By the way, my name is James".

Pay it forward

The more you do all this, the more comfortable it will become. Once you find yourself included in these group conversations, be mindful of those individuals in your orbit who may be looking to join like you once were. If you spot them, make space for them to join by pivoting your body and inviting them in.

Thank you for reading. My hope is always that you've found something helpful and easy to implement.

This week’s action items:

1. Practice identifying larger, more casual group conversations.

2. Approach the group without interrupting. If you spot a familiar face, consider pulling-up next to them.

3. Use questions to engage in the conversation.

4. Invite other individuals to your group conversations the next time you spot them.